Part 1
I started a project where I am writing love letters to all the people I care about most. I wish this was my love letter to you; but before I could tell you all the reasons I care about you and love having you in my life, I have to tell you how much it hurts me that you have chosen not to be.
I have no idea what is going on in your head. Maybe you think somehow this is my fault, maybe you have some kind of excuse, I don’t know. I don’t really care. At first I didn’t have energy to even understand, think about, or even realize the fact that you are not a part of my life at all anymore. That the person who I have spent more time with over the last few months than anyone else, a person who I have talked to every single day, a person who I considered one of my best friends, and a person who I trusted as much as anyone, has essentially evaporated from existence.
It’s weird, too, since I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. Without realizing it, you were this entire part in my life, separate enough that barely anyone even know that an entire compartment of my life is gone. Because they didn’t fully know it was there, no one really understands what is missing. And thus there is no one to help me explain what the fuck happened.
When I try to ask people what possibly could have happened, I get the answer, “Maybe he wasn’t really who you thought he was.” and “This is when people show their true colors.” I honestly don’t really care what the reasoning behind it is. It happened. It’s stupid. It doesn’t make sense.
That’s fine.
My whole world already doesn’t make sense.
My entire life already sucks.
Yesterday my therapist told me that, “Your life will never be what you thought it was. It’s gone.” Trying to face that makes a lot in this world seem trivial.
Assuming you haven’t been lying to me for the entirety of our relationship, I don’t understand what is going on. The only reason I wouldn’t want you back in my life is if, indeed, you aren’t the person I thought you were. If these are your true colors, then fuck you. But if you’re still the person who is able to motivate me more than almost anyone else and make me believe in myself, is down for any adventure, and has been one of the most reliable people in my life, then can we please fix this. I’ll forgive you for being the only one and only of my friends who hasn’t offered to come visit, to come stay with me if I’m sad or lonely, to talk anytime of any day. I will forgive you for not being here for me, for not being my friend when I have never needed a friend more; for disappointing me in the most surprising way.
We always talked about how much it would suck to live in Los Angeles without the other person, and now I’m trying to imagine what it would be for us both to live in Los Angeles but still not have the other person there… and it doesn’t make any sense.
The only thing I would not forgive you for is if you actually did lie to me this entire time. If, after I have been robbed of more love than I will ever experience again in my life; of the person who loved me more, cared about me more, believed in me more than anyone in my life ever will..
if you then choose to do that to me-
to take with you yet another little portion of the love and the belief in me that is left in this world that has already taken my entire future from me.
That, I will not forgive you for.
Part 2
I had to tell you how I feel and how you hurt me so that I can now tell you how much your friendship means to me and how much it has sucked not having you here.
Me telling you that you hurt me is basically a compliment, you see??
Anyways, I looked back through some of our texts today. I say some, because you can't even get through an individual day in less than three swipes most of the time haha. It's crazy.
And then the last weeks and weeks there's nothing.
So to say "it's been different" is indeed an understatement.
I screenshot a few of my favorite things and I put them in a folder Dropbox folder for you.
I legitimately laughed out loud when you were asking me which bedsheets you should buy and sending multiple options.
That's how much we talked all day everyday.
When I was going through some of the stuff from our roadtrip, I remembered that hike we went on in Portland. The one where I walked back to the car without you knowing and you looked around and didn't know where I had gone. You ran around looking for me and tried to call me but there wasn't reception so you didn't get through.
That's exactly what this feels like.
Except this time you're the one that walked away without telling me.
It was interesting to remember how completely freaked out you were. You had completely sweat through your shirt and you told me how worried you were that something horrible had happened to me. You had assumed the worst. But I was fine, and nothing had happened.
Then you made me PROMISE that I wouldn't do it again.
It's interesting because this time around, YOU KNEW something had happened.
YOU KNEW I wasn't ok.
And yet you did the exact opposite.
You pretty much got in the car and drove away.
But you know what else you did that day on the hike?
When I told you I was sorry and it was my fault, I was so afraid you were going to be mad at me for the rest of the day, you forgave me and moved on so that we could get right back to having fun. I remember how shocked and impressed I was.
You've hurt me a lot more than that, which is why I feel like I have to tell you, but I'm also trying to tell you that I'm willing to do the same thing. As long as we can get back to having fun.
I need your friendship.
But not half of it.
Not half of you.
I don't want the person who is stuck in their own head or self-conscious about whether or not I need them. I want that person to get over themselves, because they suck.
I want the person who KNOWS that I need them.
And KNOWS that we are supposed to be conquering the world together and that's going to be fucking impossible if we're not friends anymore.
I just want the best, truest (what I hope is the truest), most amazing version of yourself.
Part 3
CLOSE THE FIRST EMAIL AND EITHER SAVE IT AWAY OR MAYBE JUST TRASH IT OR BURN IT AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED. I DON'T CARE.
STAND UP AND SHAKE OUT EVERY SINGLE PART OF YOUR BODY AND THEN SIT DOWN AGAIN
AND
START
OVER...
1. I MISS YOU
2. EVERYONE UP HERE HAS REAL JOBS AND WORKS IN AN OFFICE ALL DAY AND I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME ALONE. WHERE ARE YOU.
3. LISTEN TO THIS SONG- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDcFryDXQ7U
4. LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND WATCH THE VIDEO-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj5zT4t7S6c
5. LISTEN TO THIS SONG AGAIN AND YOU BETTER BE DANCING BY NOW-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDcFryDXQ7U
6. LOOK THROUGH THE PICTURES I SENT YOU
7. PLEASE APPRECIATE HOW OPEN AND EMOTIONAL I AM BEING BY TELLING YOU ALL OF THIS AND TELLING YOU HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME AND THAT I ABSOLUTELY NEED YOU TO HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER SO THAT WE CAN GET BACK TO PLANNING HOW TO CONQUER THE WORLD.
7. GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE
8. Call me and tell me how much you miss me or maybe just come visit me!
10. Please and thank you